As I was dropping off my rental back in August of 2004, I made the fateful mistake of frequenting the always-interesting Windward Mall in Kaneohe.

Windward Mall is a unique juncture where anything goes — from Polynesian Square Dancing to playing the very worst music from local Hawaiian bands about 100 decibels too loud.

But what was unique about this outing was that a casting call had been recently put out for extras (these are extras mind you) for this new TV show Hawaii (original title, ain’t it?) starring Michael Biehn of all washed up actors. Naturally, everyone and their grandma showed up – the lines were backed up to outside of the doors. I estimated at least 800 people were in que by 11:00.

If this was a roll call to get in some reality TV show like Survivor, or audition for a spot that is a little more tangible than just standing behind Star-X or Star-Y I could understand and justify what had to have been a colossal waste of time & energy.

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After spending three years in Hawaii, I am often asked what was the most difficult and challenging hike I completed. My response normally entails a narrowing of the eyes, followed by a far off look with my voice becoming extremly grave. On occasion, I’ve even been told I look like a Vietnam veteran going through some kind of horrendous flashback.

The hike was the “Haiku Stairway,” as the locals tend to call it. Everyone else on the face of the planet simply refers to it as the Stairway to Heaven.

On my first attempt, I was unable to finish the hike and it almost killed me.

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In Laie, Hawaii there are bands of rogue chickens that roam the streets searching for unsuspecting prey to terrorize. Getting used to cohabitation with these flightless wonders is something that took some getting used to. For an entire year, these midget-demons from hell would wake me up at 4am and camp outside of my window.

And yes, their numbers are many.

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Kamehameha Highway circles the island of O’ahu and is the primary junction for those in Laie to get to Honolulu and the east side. “Kam Hwy” (as us non-local haole-types tend to call it) has two very distinguishing traits:

1. It is a very poorly designed highway
2. It is an incredibly dangerous highway

When you you factor in these characteristics it pretty much means that you, the driver, are going to be incredibly bored waiting behind car after car going 25 miles per hour, or, having the time of your life zipping away on Kam’s curvey surface going 50-60 miles per hour.

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