Falling from the Stairway to Heaven

After spending three years in Hawaii, I am often asked what was the most difficult and challenging hike I completed. My response normally entails a narrowing of the eyes, followed by a far off look with my voice becoming extremly grave. On occasion, I’ve even been told I look like a Vietnam veteran going through some kind of horrendous flashback.

The hike was the “Haiku Stairway,” as the locals tend to call it. Everyone else on the face of the planet simply refers to it as the Stairway to Heaven.

On my first attempt, I was unable to finish the hike and it almost killed me.

Interesting factoid, the stairs were featuered in an old episode of the classic Magnum P.I. TV show staring Tom Selleck.

And since so many unusual events took place around the time I first attempted to climb Stairway to Heaven in April of 2005, I think it’s only fair to recount the experience using a chronological format:

Thursday 10am-4pm: Waste away at beach
Thursday 5-8pm: Cook salmon dinner for friends in celebration of best friend’s fiancé whom has just flown over from Utah. Decide to go hiking at 2am in morning.
Thursday 8-10pm: Quickly finish up senseless internet work. Chew out boss yet again. Contemplate quitting for millionth time since already have two jobs.
Thursday-Friday 10pm-2am: Decide sleeping till 2am would be pointless. Instead play video games on XBox. Hope my friend Ben back in Kansas would be proud. Begin feeling sick with extreme cold symptoms. Gulp down two tablespoons of Dayquil.
Friday 2am-3:30am: Depart for Kaneohe in back of truck — hillbilly style. Destination: The Stairway to Heaven. 2,800 rickety metal stairs leading up the side of a sheer cliff.
Friday 3:45am: Hop first two fences. Am told by friends hike is technically “illegal.” Am told locals hate hikers and endeavor to make life difficult for us. Discover shortly thereafter locals have trucked in a butt-load of bamboo shucks to make jumping tallest fence next to impossible.
Friday 3:48am: Laugh at the local’s stupidly. Get to top of fence within 3 minutes in spite of bamboo.
Friday 3:49am: Jump fence only to discover hidden barb wire on the other side. Barb wire tears my favorite hiking pants in two places, makes a huge gash in my kneecap. Say silent prayer hoping chicks really do like guys with scars as I have just added my 5th one.
Friday 3:59am: Assure friends wound isn’t bad given amount of blood lost – feel very fortunate to have had a tetanus shot within last 8 months. Finally get to base of stairs. Begin hike.
Friday 4:15am: Discover hike is a lot like a supercharged version of the Stairmaster — only this one forces you to go for 1.5 hours before you’re done.
Friday 4:25am: Feel sick. Really sick. Nausea sets in. Become really dizzy.
Friday 4:30am: Stop climbing altogether. Hang onto mountain side for dear life.
Friday 4:31am: Begin puking.
Friday 4:36am: Still puking.
Friday 4:42am: You guessed it, puking continues
Friday 4:45am: Friend says that it might be smart if I stopped hiking. I call him an ass and send him on his way.
Friday 4:48am: Stomach settles to the point where I feel safe drinking water. Alone. Desolate on the side of a jagged mountain.
Friday 4:50am: Discover stomach was not as strong as I thought it was. Resume vomiting.
Friday at 5:00am: Other friend comes down off of cliff. Due to his rather unusual Arthurian name, I give him the nickname of the Wizard. The Wizard has done every hike a million times. Has work at 8am. Says he’s here to make sure I get down ok. Wants to use my sickness as an excuse to get some sleep in back of truck. I say fine.
Friday at 5:15am: Get completely down the stairs in 15 minutes. Going down is so much easier than up.
Friday at 5:17am: Realize there’s no bloody way in hell we’re getting over the bamboo/barbwire fence from this side. Begin trek to find alternate route.
Friday at 5:45am: After about 2 miles, find abandoned shack with hole cut in fence behind it. Stumble around in the darkness for another half hour in the woods trying to find way back to civilization.
Friday at 6:15am: Sun rises. The wizard is back in his truck sleeping. I lay down on grass next to sidewalk like crazed homeless man — pants ripped and all. Locals begin going on jogs/going to work. They pass my mangled, bloody body by and scoff. I make quasi-vulgar comments in response.
Friday at 7:00am: Rest of friends return from hike. Another van full of BYUH dorks pulls up ready to hike. Local woman suddenly storms out of house. Say they have called cops, taken down license plate names and curse at us. One friend politely informs them at they can “burn in hell.”
Friday at 7:05am: Drive away from scene like bat out of hell after hearing sirens in the distance.
Friday at 8:30am: Get back to Laie. Girls inform us they require food for breakfast. Best friend tells fiance he’ll get her food and for all the girls to go cleanup while the guys go to Ted’s Bakery for apple turnovers.
Friday at 8:31 am: Best friend gets several threatening glares from all males present.
Friday at 9:05 am: Arrive at Ted’s Bakery next to Sunset Beach. Discover bakery is out of turnovers. Buy apple strudels instead, causing best friend to ask, “What the hell is a strudel?” Many funny remarks follow in response.
Friday at 9:40 am: Get back to girls, give them their strudels. Leave to shower and go into work. Finish off first bottle of Dayquil. Begin second. Pray my stamina lasts.
Friday at 10:05 am: At work, I learn my student boss is also taking Foreign Service Entrance Examination with me tomorrow. I agree to give her and friends a ride in my fearless red Ford Focus.
Friday at 10:06am-2:00pm: Do stupid internet job. (I work two jobs. One on campus, the other I work remotely for a company on mainland) Moan and complain. A lot.
Friday at 2:00pm-7:00pm: Get call from roommate saying that Math lab have been commandeered and turned into a giant computer gaming party. Snap out of coma and race to play Counter-Strike and other games promoting gratuitous violence.
Friday at 7:01pm: Best friend shows up and demands I entertain fiancé best female friends by going with them to movies in Kailua. I inform him I’m about to die of some horrible disease causing me to be sick and have to take a 6 hour standardized test in the morning to boot. He calls me a wuss. I tell him to go to hell and send him on his way.
Friday at 8:00pm: Fall asleep.
Saturday at 5:00am: Alarm wakes me up. I curse at it and silently wish I hadn’t signed up to take the bloody Foreign Service Entrance Exam. Decide maybe traveling around the world and managing embassies isn’t for me. Then remember I promised to take friends to the test. I curse again.
Saturday at 5:30am: Pick up friends. Begin journey to Honolulu.
Saturday at 7:30 am: Get to University of Hawaii 30 minutes early. Eat breakfast consisting of a chocolate milk and doughnut. One friend admits the test scares her after looking at example questions. I concur and say if it’s really craptacular we’ll dig out and leave after the first break.
Saturday at 9:30 am: Discover test is ridiculously easy. Confirm fact with friends. Decide to stay for the entirety. Ponder why everyone and their grandmothers aren’t Foreign Service Officers.
Saturday at 3:00pm: Finish test. Drive home. Begin thinking about what country I want my first assignment to be when State Department decides to hire me.
Saturday at 3:30pm: Best friend just called and wants my “assistance” to entertain finance’s friends again while he goes to make out with her….stupid Utah girls.
Saturday at 3:31pm: Finish second bottle of Dayquil.

Since my intrepid friends couldn’t figure out how to work my Canon EOS 10D digital SLR camera, I had to restort to borrowing a couple images of the hike from Backyard Oahu:

These were, obviously, taken at day and not night.

On a closing note, the moral of the story is you shouldn’t hike while sick. If you ever attept this technically “forbidden” trail it would be most wise of you do do so while in good shape.

If 90 minutes working the stairmaster on a difficult setting kills you, find another hike.

July 8th, 2006 in Travel |