Convergence

I’ve been struggling lately trying to fully understand why women get themselves into “bad” relationships and get severely burned in the process. By “bad” I mean intentionally doomed — incompatible personalities, differences in values, opposing ideas of what they want to do with their lives.

Guys seem much more isolated from this tendency. And if not, don’t seem to suffer nearly as much in the end as women do.

I spent three hours talking to an old girlfriend tonight about the end of her doomed relationship.

There’s a theory I have that most people innately know the fate (or destiny, dare I use the word) of a relationship within a short amount of time of being around the other person. She confirmed to me that she knew it wasn’t going to work out from the start but she leaped in anyway.

She’s now feeling the trauma of “post relationship” effects. Big time.

We got to talking and eventually I reverted into my normal Perry Mason-mode and I asked her point blank, why did you do it to yourself?

She really didn’t know or understand herself. There was a connection, there was an emotional reaction, it felt good. All she really knew was that she got herself into it and that’s what she wanted at the time.

In trying to feel around for some aspect more tangible — something I could portray in a manner my mind can analyze — a few common themes finally began manfiesting:

1. Emotional Component (which tacitly translates into companionship, sense of belonging)
2. Jesus complex (I can change/convert him!)
3. Forbidden nature of the relationship

I believe the last one on the list is not nearly as as important as I originally believed it was. It is still a very real factor that’s inescapable, in my opinion. But it’s not the main contributer.

#1 is the real culprit. Chemistry and attraction do funny things to girls. Longing. Certainly, they are forces far more powerful and influential to the female psyche than they are to males. It comes back to how more dominant emotional perception is to women.

The highest degree of emotional perception requires a significant other. There’s simply no way around it.

For all the high talk of career potential, higher education and other lofty ideals, women (sub)consciously base their happiness and self worth on who they’re with and the potentials of the future. They always will. It’s probably a good thing.

There is a tangible result of all the turmoil such relationships bring — a more intimate understanding better what they want in their ultimate relationship and what they absolutely do not want.

Maybe some personal growth comes with it. Sometimes. Maybe.

There’s also an emotional intensity brought on by opening and climax of a relationship that also makes girls truly feel alive in a way that’s probably indescribable to emotionally deaf individuals such as myself. Alive in a worthwhile sense. It can’t be mimicked or substituted.

My friend is already repeating history once more. She’s aware of it. She doesn’t care. She’s still trying to understand what she wants and her current path is the only way she can figure out more about it.

Perhaps part of my problem — my inability to fully understand — is that I’ve always known what I wanted out of a relationship (how to actually get there is a completely different matter). A few dates for fun, cool, then it’s time to move on before it gets too serious and expectations start being forged.

Give it a chance, identify desirable and undesirable traits, judge and then move on.

It’s a flawed combination of being open minded while still benchmarking in an all too human (male) way.

But hey — there is no casual dating in the community I’m a member of. A hard truth. But something I have to be careful of.

Of course, maybe me “knowing” what I want is merely a convenient scapegoat for not accepting the absolute perfection that accompanies my expectations. You could objectively argue that it could to some extent, but I believe goal-wise and personality-wise, there’s a lot of leeway for differences and quirks as long as the couple is fundamentally on the same page.

Maybe the only real conclusion I can draw from this is that the cold, mechanical way in which I think is simply incompatible with the way girls behave and think.

Whatever possible consequences that might have for me down the road, I definitely don’t want to think about.

July 14th, 2007 in Journal |